Dr. Adam Heath Avitable is unlicensed, unregulated, and uncensored. Even though he is a doctor, it has neither pertinence nor relevance to the questions asked below. Following even a modicum of his advice will likely result in blindness and mass genocide. The questions are real, and so is his beard.
RedMeansGo4 asks:
I just recently became involved with my boyfriend, who is currently stationed overseas with the Army. He keeps asking for me to email some.. shall I say, ‘drool-worthy’ pictures to him. I’m not entirely opposed to the idea; I trust him and I’ve known him for 5 years, just not romantically. What I’m most wondering about is what kind of pictures/poses/clothing would be best? I’m taking these myself so its basically pretty limited to the inside of my apartment. Obviously, I know that whatever I send, he’ll enjoy, but I want to make them good, after all, he’s gone until early 2012! Any advice/help is hugely appreciated!
Dr. Avitable responds:
This is a common situation with soldiers who are deployed overseas. Many times, the men have limited avenues for sexual release and quickly tire of intercourse with goats and foreign women who have mustaches and unshaven armpits. They turn to quasi-homosexual circle jerks and humping warm mashed potatoes, but soon that is not enough for the red-blooded American soldier. Your boyfriend is planning on masturbating furiously to whatever material you send him while he imagines being home with you or your sister, if she looks anything like you. As a result, you should focus on photos that show him explicitly what he is missing. The closer the photo is to your genitalia, the better his reaction will be. In fact, I would suggest just sticking the camera directly inside your vagina and sending him photos of your cervix. It will make his day.
PrettyPink1818 asks:
My boyfriend and I are both finishing up college and will be moving back in with our respective sets of parents. How can we find the time and place to be intimate?
Dr. Avitable responds:
Go to graduate school.
StephyMayes asks:
I have had back acne for about two years now. It is the worst thing I have ever had in my life! I have tried so many products to try to make it go away but nothing seems to work. I never feel comfortable taking off my jacket in the summer, wearing a cute strapless dress, or even wearing tank tops or bathing suits. I need good advice fast please!!!
Dr. Avitable responds:
What happens in a case like back acne, or bacne as we medical professionals call it, is that the more embarrassed the person is of the bacne, the more she will cover it up. The cover up will prevent it from being exposed to the healing rays of the sun, which just perpetuates the bacne.
You need to take off the jacket and let those puppies breathe. By puppies, of course, I mean your greasy shoulder zits. The air and sun will be better than any salve or ointment, except for hydrochloric acid. Taking the jacket off isn’t the hard part, though, I know. The hard part is being comfortable with how your back looks as it heals. I strongly recommend finding a local tattoo artist and asking him to create a beautiful masterpiece that uses the bacne in a connect-the-dots type scenario. If money is a problem, use Sharpie markers instead or ask a good friend to always walk very close behind you wherever you go. Before too long, your bacne will be all cleared up and all you’ll have to worry about is that unibrow.
Do you have a question for Dr. Avitable about health, sex, relationships, beauty, fashion, or anything else you can imagine? Submit your query to dravitable@inserteyeroll.com today!
My husband has 6 degrees.
As a military wife, I fully endorse this advice. Don’t forget up close pictures of your boobs, too.
You’re advocating sending medical-grade pornographic photos to someone in the military? Are you insane? The last thing anyone in the military needs is a guy daydreaming about his girl’s hot cervix while flying a helicopter or handling heavy artillery.
I’ve been sending my soldier photos of our cat. That’s not what he was asking for? Now I interpret his response “Awwww” in a completely different way.
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