Washington, D.C. – Fresh on the heels of Stephen Colbert’s organization of a Super PAC, “Weird” Al Yankovic has decided to jump into the political arena himself. Standing in front of the Washington Monument on Independence Day, wearing his trademark Hawaiian shirt, Mr. Yankovic declared that he is running for President of the United States.
“My new album, ‘Alpocalypse,’ entered the Billboard charts at #9 this week,” said Yankovic, “so the people are clearly with me. The Federal Election Commission has approved the ‘Weird’ Al Super PAC, and I am officially entering into the ring to become our nation’s next President.”
When asked what party he’d be running under, “Weird” Al said, “The Lasagna Party. In fact, one of my first tasks as President of the United States will be to make lasagna America’s official national food.” Other priorities for Yankovic include outlawing future “Transformers” sequels, tripling all teachers’ salaries, and bringing accordions to the nation’s capitol. “Whenever there’s a filibuster in the Senate, there will be an Accordion Battle,” Yankovic said. “Whoever wins, gets to pass their bill and punch the other guy in the face.”
How would Yankovic reduce the national debt? “We’ll first reduce the pay of all congressmen to minimum wage,” he said. “They’re not earning their pay as it is.” Next, “We’ll pay back all of our debts in Monopoly money. That will reduce the debt immediately, and we can then focus on more important issues, such as the growing shortage of Silly String.”
“And before Donald Trump opens his big mouth, I’m providing not only copies of my birth certificate and passport, but my W-2′s and my Grandma’s recipe for Squirrel Stroganoff,” Yankovic said.
On job creation, “Weird” Al says he’ll do what President Obama has refused to do: legalize and tax marijuana. “Not only will we help the American farmers,” he said, “but demand for Doritos and Krispy Kremes will go through the roof. It’s a win-win.”
Yankovic is planning on a fall tour to promote his newest album, and he plans on making it a campaign tour. “I’m coming to a town near you, and I’m gonna make you love me.”
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman said of “Weird” Al’s announcement, “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.” Yankovic’s response: “Clearly, she knows crazy, but I have to believe she hasn’t listened to a single song of mine. Now who’s crazy?”
At this point, could him being in charge really be any worse?
And I really like lasagna.
He had me at “Outlaw any future transformers sequels.”
My son was counting on Megan Fox to run in a tank top again.
Some of his ideas are….not too shabby. Not too shabby at all. I bet the Krispy Kreme and Dorito people are going to back him all the way.
I kind of thought Al Yankovic was dead. What a surprise, huh?!
[...] far, I’ve written a story about Weird Al Yankovic running for President, and Octomom being announced as the next Bachelorette. Go, check them out. And hey, I’d [...]
He soooo has my vote!!
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