CAPE CANAVERAL — After 15 years and over $10 billion in taxpayer’s money, Project Extreme Cosmic Discovery, the most extensive probe of the universe ever conducted, has demonstrated conclusively that space is completely full of junk.
“It’s unbelievable, really,” said senior NASA administrator Charles Bollerheim. “We thought for sure that something wonderful lay beyond the fragile envelope of our atmosphere. Something that would reveal the secrets of the universe and maybe answer the questions that humanity has been asking for thousands of years.
“But yeah, it’s just a bunch of rocks and gas and stuff.”
Apollo 11 rockets out of the atmosphere on its way to NOTHING AT ALL, as it turns out.
The results of the study were released on July 25 to stunned shock, followed by bewildered rage and then a kind of numb resignation.
In an emotion-choked speech, President Obama gave voice to the nation’s disappointment.
“Right now,” said the President, “America shares one thought and one feeling. And if our nation could gather together in this moment and raise its voice, I know it would say: Suck it, NASA.”
The most disappointed person of all may have been Detroit resident Edward “Teddy” Palicki, who came up with the name for the study in a nationwide contest in 1995. Mr. Palicki’s entry won out over nearly 20,000 submissions and turned the then-grade school student into a beacon of hope for the future.
“So there’s nothing out there. Nothing. I’m glad I ended up robbing banks for a living,” Mr. Palicki said in a prerecorded video statement from his cell in a Supermax facility.
“So alone,” he said, although it was unclear whether he was referring to his enforced isolation or the loneliness of humanity in the cosmos, which is now pretty much a certainty.
Despite the failure of Project Extreme Cosmic Discovery, Charles Bollerheim remains unfazed.
“Now that we know for sure how boring space is, NASA is gearing up for a new project with the Navy. We’re launching an unprecedented exploration of the ocean’s depths. Who knows what mysteries await us as we plumb the reaches of our final frontier?”
Bollerheim paused to reflect before adding, “It’s probably just some fish, though.”
Image credit nasa.gov
“It’s probably just some fish, though.”
SNORT!
I refuse to accept this. It’s a cover up. They just don’t want us to know about the awesome stuff they found. I’m calling on Jesse Ventura to investigate.
I’m pretty sure Santa is real too!