Dr. Adam Heath Avitable is unlicensed, untamed, and unsupervised. Even though he is a doctor, it has neither pertinence nor relevance to the questions asked below. Following even a smidgen of his advice will probably result in dead baby angels falling from the skies, plus Armageddon. The questions are real, and so is his beard.
Brusselsandme asks:
I moved abroad last week. It’s my first time living in another country (exciting but a little scary). Is anyone else in the same boat and, if so, how did you go about making new friends?
Dr. Avitable responds:
You want to hear about exciting and a little scary? How about being dropped into hostile enemy territory in the middle of the night with no support and only a dirty M-16 with no guarantee of shooting Charlie without jamming? Up to my knees, sloshing through rice paddies, never knowing if I was going to live another second longer? Do you know how you go about making new friends there, huh? You blast the hell out of those gooks and then you skull-fuck their eyesockets! Erm, sorry. I would suggest maybe taking a class, finding a roommate, or investigating expat resources online.
Lojust asks:
I know Rush is different from school to school, but I was wondering if any sorority women could help me out with general rules and advice as far as the process goes. Are there things that I absolutely should not wear, and how “casual” are the “casual days” of Rush?
Dr. Avitable responds:
While you might be feeling a lot of pressure to impress your future sorority sisters, relax. It’s not difficult at all. Whatever you do, don’t wear the following:
- Panties
- Your “Who Farted?” T-shirt
- A gorilla suit
- Yarmulke
Other than that, you should be fine. I mean, unless you’re black or fat or not a whore – then, you probably won’t be making it into a sorority this year.
Britzz89 asks:
Ok, so we all know that men like to jack off and I understand that yet every time I find out my boyfriend has been jerking off I get really mad at him. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I realize that it’s my issue with being insecure but I also think it’s because I never know what kind of porn he is watching while he’s doing it. We all know that there is some freaky kind of porn out there so I was hoping for some advice about what I can do to stop being so over-dramatic about it.
Dr. Avitable responds:
It’s good that you realize that masturbation is natural. Almost every man does it whether or not he’s in a happy relationship, and it rarely has anything to do with his satisfaction with you, personally, emotionally, or sexually. Unless you have a stinky vagina, in which case, it’s probably entirely your fault and you should go see your Ob/Gyn to see if a raccoon died in there or something.
Do you have a question for Dr. Avitable about health, sex, relationships, beauty, fashion, or anything else you can imagine? Submit your query to dravitable@inserteyeroll.com today!
Oh. My. God. Laughing. So. Hard!
This cracks me up and I’m Definitley going to share it!!
As I am living abroad in India, I can offer a bit of advice to your first victim…erh, I mean ‘Brusselsandme’
The way I ‘ve found friends here is to approach pretty much every white person I encounter with first, “Do you speak English?”, followed up by, “Are you living here?” If they answer ‘yes’ to both, I give them my contact info and ask for theirs. I admit; I have no shame. If I can find someone else in the same boat I’m happy. From there we can commiserate or cry on each other’s shoulder, but most importantly swap information as to where to buy beef and pork.
Of course by the by-line I’m guessing that this person has moved to Brussels, in which case I say suck it up. If you meet new people that’s great; but in the mean time enjoy the waffles and sprouts.
Actually, visiting/moving to Brussels is a lot easier than you would think. From my experience, taking a page out of your handbook, I simply ask “Do you speak-a-my language,” and I’m usually rewarded by that strapping young man providing me with a Vegemite sandwich.
… although “rewarded” is certainly debatable…
I knew that wearing panties to rush was a no-no but if ONLY I had known about the gorilla suit. My college career would have been saved. Sigh.
I’m never going to look at racoons the same way again. LMAO
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