In a recent poll of Internet users around the world, a startling 25 per cent believe that Jessica Alba, well known for her stunning looks, would be even hotter with a can opener for a foot.
“Totally,” said Gerald Rhames, 22, who led a campaign to secure over 5,000 votes for the comely actress. “She’s got these beautiful eyes and primo kissable lips, but that doesn’t open my can of ravioli.”
Mr. Rhames then banged his can of ravioli against the kitchen counter in a gesture that professed his love for Ms. Alba. Or maybe for ravioli from a can.
Ms. Alba won the coveted top spot over several competitors, including Scarlet Johansson with a phone for a nose, Megan Fox with a bag of trail mix for a boob, and Ryan Reynolds with abs for everything that isn’t presently covered in abs.
When informed of her victory, Alba was stunned and overjoyed.
“I’m so honored that the Internet has found a way to make me even more attractive,” she said. “As you may know, I had a lot of body issues after Honor Marie was born. I felt ugly and old. It was a very difficult time for me.
“But now I realize that I’m just as beautiful as ever! Except for this horrible foot. That’s getting replaced with a can opener. Soon. Like, tomorrow.”
Alba tries out her can opener foot. Husband Cash Warren seems pleased with his wife's new appendage. And his goofy-ass name.
“I’m also thinking of getting my left hand replaced with a coffee cup,” she added. “I’m always leaving my coffee cup somewhere.”
Ms. Alba has already scheduled her foot-replacement surgery and is set to star in Cans of Love next summer. As of press time, Mr. Rhames was still unable to locate his can opener.
Photo credit Wikimedia Commons
I have to admit, there was a certain appeal to Rose McGiwan when she donned a machine gun for a leg in “Planet terror”
I think that may have played a role in the genesis of this piece.