The Pope spoke without mentioning his new hip hairstyle, the Popehawk.
Vatican City, Italy- In Monday’s speech Pope Benedict XVI, known to his peers and friends as “Eggs”, gave an impassioned plea in Latin to all members of the Catholic Church, and to the world at large, regarding the sin of masturbation. The relevant sections have been transcribed and also translated below:
“Eeplepay ofway ethay orldway, iway urjway ooyay ootay taysay yurpay inway indmay andway olesay.”
“People of the world, I urge you to stay pure in mind and soul.”
“Uttbay aneleemay, eepkay uryay andshay awfway ovway uryay odsray andway uttonsbay.”
“But mainly, keep your hands off of your rods and buttons.”
“Eway allway avehay impulsesway atthay utterclay ourway indmay ithway exualsay imageryway. Enwhay ooyay eelfay ustlay illingfay uryay indmay, ooyay oodshay editatemay, orway aypray, orway idehay ouryay azinay oldgay”
“We all have impulses that clutter our mind with sexual imagery. When you feel lust filling your mind, you should meditate, or pray, or hide your Nazi gold.”
Andway ifway ooyay arrway unableway ootay emoveray ethay eednay orfay onanismway, utpay uryay othesclay yerdray onway ethay ongeststray yclecay andway itsay onway optay ofway itway ilewhay umminghay amazingway acegray.
“And if you are unable to remove the need for onanism, put your clothes dryer on the strongest cycle and sit on top of it while humming ‘Amazing Grace’.”
Aisepray ebay otay esusjay. Aymay ethay ordlay ebay ithway ooyay. Amenway.
“Praise be to Jesus. May the Lord be with you. Amen.”
After dispersing, the crowd returned to their respective homes, where Vatican Power & Light reported extremely high power usage over the subsequent 3-6 minutes.
[Photo]
What’s up with that faux hawk? I’m pretty sure those are considered cardinal sins now. Dryer-sitting hypocrite.
Oh haha…just read the caption. It’s a Pope hawk, not a faux hawk. Whatever. It’s still a major sin in my book.
When did Joe Pesci become Pope?
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