Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, left hanging by her bros.
Tucson, AZ. — After the United States Supreme Court agreed with the opinion of the Obama administration and found Arizona’s newest immigration law to be unconstitutional last month, Arizona governor Jan Brewer is trying a new tactic that does not focus on ethnicity.
“The new “No Vowels Allowed At Home Act” will allow Arizona citizens who live here legitimately and who pay their taxes to enjoy their lives free from the threat of illegal immigrants,” Brewer said in her impassioned speech in front of tens of people. ”As long as their names don’t end in vowels, that is.”
Brewer’s supporters are wary, but still cautiously optimistic. ”While I agree with the spirit of the bill, I don’t know if Governor Brewer has really researched how effective this will be. What about Perez or Gutierrez? Aguilar? Guzman? I think that this bill might target the wrong people, allowing criminals to remain on American soil,” said Jim Positano, president of the Phoenix Republicans Society. ”And while I’m happy to go back to Italy if it means that America is protected from undesirables, I don’t speak Italian and have never even visited.”
The Obama administration is calling this new bill even more draconian than the original bill, especially given the fact that the President would not be able to step foot into the state of Arizona without fear of being deported. ”And where would he be deported to, exactly?” a spokesman asked. ”Hawaii? This is a patently ridiculous bill, and we think that Governor Brewer should take a moment to remember that her maiden name is Drinkwine. E is a vowel too.” Governor Brewer’s office responded, pointing out exceptions in the act for silent vowels and the letter “y”, and inviting President Obama to join her in Tucson to discuss the act “at his own risk.”
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I got excited until I read that names ending in “y” will be an exception. I was looking forward to a free plane ticket to Ireland.
That’s a shame!
My (mostly) conservative family lives in the Tucson area and our last name ends in two vowels. Do they cancel each other out or will I be spending the holidays in whatever country our mutt blood originated in (debate is between Ireland and France, with the latter being undesirable for obvious reasons)?
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