Vast Majority of Protestors at “Occupy Wall Street” Rallies Just Looking for a Gyro Cart

Social commentators and pundits are likening the crowds congregating in Manhattan’s financial district to the “Arab Spring” movements which have been taking place all over the Middle East.

The movements in the Middle East erupted in the midst of a perfect storm of disaffected population and a corrupt system that has systematically disenfranchised individuals both economically and politically.  The “Occupy Wall Street” movement played similar notes in the symphony of disenfranchisement and political exclusion until recent conversations in the crowd revealed that the majority of individuals did not start off being protesters.

Stuey Haverburg is an olive skinned, dark eyed young man whose voice reeks of the earnestness one expects from a youth that has carefully evaluated the flaws of a system that has plunged America into a period of economic confusion.  When asked about the ideology that prompted him to come to the protests of the “Occupy Wall Street” movement, Stuey gave a surprising answer.  “Ideology?  Someone told me that there is cart around here that will make you hear the voices of angels the first time you bite into one of their halal gyros.  And, uh, by the way?  If you think that press pass is going to get you ahead in this line, your ass is going to be disaffected by my foot.”

The surprising turn of the conversation with Stuey prompted press investigations aimed at determining the exact number of “protesters” present whose appearances stemmed less from political and economic concerns and initiated with a halal cart search.  The results are surprising.

Preliminary investigation indicates that the majority of people at the protests may be denouncing the alliance of unethical political and financial systems, but most of them went there looking for a halal gyro cart and decided to stay because “You gotta admit these guys are pretty out of control,” Stuey says gesturing over his shoulder at a looming building that houses some of the world’s top financial executives.

Holding a sign proclaiming “I am the 99,” Stuey defiantly states, “Can’t a person want a gyro and be pissed off about an adjustable rate mortgage, too?  If that’s not possible, well, this isn’t the America I thought it was.”

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