Colgate-Palmolive, in a bid to extend its reach in the Middle East, announced on Friday that it would launch a new line of bath soaps, body washes, and deodorants commemorating the historic revolutions and protests that have taken place over the past year in Tunisia, Egypt, Syria, Libya, Bahrain, and other countries in the region. The new line will be called “Arab Spring.”
Middle East Director of Research and Development Benjamin Dorcas says the line will appeal to “young Arabs who are ready to embrace liberty, democracy, smelling good, and other Western values.” Currently, Colgate-Palmolive only has a few laundry detergents specifically marketed to Egypt and Turkey.
“These new developments are exciting,” said Dorcas. “This part of the world is virtually an untapped market, as far as body washes and deodorants go. We’re confident that the ouster of tyrants will lead to improved economic conditions and the realization that a bar of soap should have a minimum of two types of deodorant, and that when sliced with a pocket knife or scimitar, the soap’s double deodorant properties should become visually obvious.”
Critics have pointed out that regular bathing was a part of Middle Eastern culture when Europeans were still wallowing in goat manure and their own mead-vomit.
“You ever hear of a Turkish bath house,” Tunis soap merchant Mehdi Naybet said when asked about the launch of the Arab Spring line. “Or the ritual cleansing Muslims must make before prayer?” Naybet says that while Western innovations like Twitter were vital to the revolutions, Arabs don’t need help with their bathing. He predicts that Arab Spring bath products will be an “ملحمة تفشل, ” which translates roughly to “epic fail.”
“I’ve seen the fragrance profile,” Naybet continues. “It is basically falafel with a little artificial myrrh.”
Dorcas shrugs when he hears Naybet’s claims. “He could be right, I guess. But we can always sell it in the US. We never sold much Irish Spring in Dublin.”