In a startling turn of events today, Todd Wright, local pothead, reassured the media that he was not terribly bothered by news of a nationwide drug shortage.
“My roommate’s always listening to NPR and most times I tune that shit out unless it’s like the Car Talk guys because they have those hilarious laughs. Then I get laughing and they laugh more and I am like, rolling,” Mr. Wright told a sparsely populated conference room full of journalists who had upset their bosses in some way.
When Mr. Wright finished chuckling, he continued, “So anyway, the news comes back on, and I start back to my room when I hear the words drug shortage, and I am like, ‘Oh shit! So I listen and they name drugs like Labetalol and Doxil and Taxol and I start fucking freaking but then I realize I’ve never heard of any of these before so I’m pretty relieved at this point. “
Mr. Wright’s feelings of relief were short lived. “Then I get to thinking, well what happens with weed? I mean that shit is all medical and pharmaceutical now, so if the drug companies can fuck up like, a cancer drug, then they can probably fuck up my pot which is also sort of a cancer drug, not to blow your mind or anything.”
Acting moderately quickly, Mr. Wright restored calm with a quick phone call.
“I called Felix and he’s like dude, I’m totally holding, it’s cool, totally cool. Then I was like, cool. Felix is pretty reliable. There was one time in 2008 when he ran dry and I can tell you I scraped the shit out of all my paraphernalia that week, probably smoked a lot of things I shouldn’t have. But I got through it. So now I know, if a week like that came up again, I could totally make it through. Or I could just call my cousin in Rhode Island. That dude is crazy. Those doctors and pharmaceutical companies should talk to Felix, though.”
Mr. Felix could not be reached for comment.