In a move that surprised no one, the U.S., now in irrevocable decline, has given up the charade. In an interview with Star magazine, the once great country appeared tired, distracted, and about 40 pounds overweight.
“Well, I’m broke, I’m out of work, I’m fat, my kids are fat, I suck at math, I don’t like to read, there are hormones and chemicals in everything I eat and the doctor at the clinic says I probably have diabetes. Excuse me for wearing sweatpants. I think it’s time I got comfy.”
“Look, it’s ok. I’m not depressed. Honestly, I feel great.” Claimed the nation as gravy dripped onto it’s already stained hoody.
“So I’m almost a third world nation now. Good. Good for me. You know, it’s a relief, really. No more leading the world, no more worrying about civil rights, and now I can sleep in ’til noon. I mean, who’s gonna care? It’s not like I have work in the morning.”
The fading super power further maintained that it was incredibly excited about the prospect of foreign aid and food drops. “I can’t afford health insurance so Doctors without Borders will be awesome too.”
Careful to point out that it doesn’t want to appear lazy, the dowager nation explained, “It’s just that I’m exhausted and my entire southern region has the gout. Besides, I’m sure the economy will pick up when China gets here and establishes humanitarian military bases throughout the me. And hey, Chinese food. Bonus.”
Germany, commenting on the United States slow slide into irrelevance said, “Ja, they’re pretty screwed up over there. They say they’re fine mit everysing though, so who are ve to interfer? Far be it for us to go vere we’re not wanted.”
Other countries declined to comment, with the exception of Mexico, who sent a press release that read, “In 2012, we will be building a very high, very electric fence.”
Perhaps if the US would stop wearing Pajama Pants and Snuggies, it could at least appear to have one foot left in the first world.
Score 2 points for the Chinese food! I hope it comes from the Hunan province. I’m not quite as partial to Szechuan.
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