Right opposing Left.
Limbaugh against Olbermann.
Teabag Party vesus Fleabag Party.
For all the goodwill talk of compromise, limiting conditionals, and finding common ground, most days the political process seems mired in its own mean-spirited squabbling.
A quick listen to political pundits rarely reveals talk that is “How do we move forward” and more of the “Our big poopy-head is less of a poopy-head than your big poopy-head” variety.
Also, a lot of “Mom, he’s looking at me!” and “Oy, Swagger Jacker, Imma gonna slap you shit down, bitch!”
A new Insert Eyeroll poll of a whole bunch of people waiting in line for a bus confirms the thoughts and ideals of the rest of us who don’t have time to march in protests or write clever, stunning blog posts.
Right, left, centrist or sideways – here are the twelve topics and philosophies that almost everyone agrees on:
1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
2. No one likes a smarty pants.
3. Mockery and condescension never prove a point and should be legal grounds for a good punch in the nose. Or at least a demerit point.
4. Polar Fleece is the best invention of the 20th century, after duct tape.
5. The Swedes put out some seriously catchy pop tunes.
6. Watching a Zamboni is relaxing and oddly enjoyable.
7. Brad Pitt and Angenlina Jolie are equally attractive to both men and women.
8. Bacon is delicious.
9. There has to be a very good reason to put a saxophone or banjo solo in any song.
10. Baby animals are cute. Something to do with the large eyes and lack of brow.
11. The things people like best about any religion’s version of God are His/Her motivational speeches on selflessness, His/Her incentives for being nice, and all the excellent holidays He/She inspired. Especially the eating holidays.
12. Picking-up after your yourself (or your child or pet) in public is the surest sign of a strong morals and love of country.
If you combined like five of these into one, people’s heads would immediately explode: Brad and Angelina feeding one another bacon while wearing Polar Fleece as they make laps on a Zamboni that’s blasting Swedish pop songs and pulling a trailer full of tiger cubs. Boom!
(That reply was meant for your combination. I’m, like, a wizard figuring out how to post things on the Internets.)
omg, that made me feel all tingly! I want to reach across party lines and hug someone like a Pillow Pet!
I had a stunner of a comment, but my head exploded after reading that first comment. All I can do now is wonder if Branjelina will pooper scoop.