The S.S. Crock Pot, seen here being loaded with a shipment of contact lenses.
Long an object of derision and hyperbole, America’s famous Slow Boat to China has become the country’s fastest vessel. While stevedores scrambled to load the S.S. Crock Pot and crew members made last minutes adjustments to newly fleet fleet member, Import Manager Frank Sobotka went on the record.
“She was always so slow, the Crock Pot. Onetime we sent out a shipment of fax machines and got the invoice back via email. At first, it wasn’t so much that she got any faster. It’s just that all the other ships started getting slower. Those other ones always had gears blowing, rusting props, drunk captains . . . The Pot was kind of the only reliable ship we had. Never broke down. Probably from all those years she spent going so slow.
“We spend a lot of time on keeping the ol’ Pot running now,” continued Sobotka. “Basically, we spend all our time keeping her running. There’s no economy without we get China it’s paperboard and oleaginous fruit, even if it takes months to make the trip. The export side of things has really fallen off around here.”
“But then, one time when we sent out a shipment of sesame seeds and got back 1000 tons of electronics, she came home and she was flying around like a big speedboat.” Snorted the visibly intoxicated shipping boss. “When it got back into port, it took us half an hour to scrape off a Made In China bumper sticker some joker had slapped on the hull. Whatever they did to her, I can guarantee you that she is still 90 percent Made in America as long as when you say America you’re including Mexico.
Heee heee, Frank Sobotka…