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8 Reasons Angelina Jolie is Better Than You

Angelina Jolie is beautiful and famous and she makes $20 million per movie. She has been on the covers of countless magazine. Angelina goes home to Brad Pitt. Why? People ask themselves every day. Why is Angelina Jolie so famous? Why does she get to travel all over the globe? Why is she constantly getting awards and good press?

Love her or hate her, Angelina Jolie is better than you and you know it.

Don’t believe me? Here are 8 reasons why.

#8 – Angelina Jolie is more charitable than you are.

She is. She has donated over $1 million to Doctors Without Borders and she and Brad Pitt have created the  Jolie-Pitt Foundation with the purpose of eradicating rural poverty. She’s also a co-chair of the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict and is a goodwill ambassador United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. Tax records show that Brangelina have given more than  $8 million to charities. You probably haven’t had $8 million dollars in your whole life.

#7 - Angelina Jolie drank Billy Bob Thornton’s blood.

That has to be worth something. It might make you super human. Possibly a ninja.

#6 – Angelina Jolie’s Dad is Jon fucking Voight

Angelina’s father is Jon Voight. Jon Voight starred in “Midnight Cowboy”, “Coming Home” and “Deliverance.” He’s won a Best Actor Oscar and several Golden Globe Awards. Voight has taken home ACE awards and Film Critic’s awards. Jon Voight has won awards I had never heard of until today.

He played the POPE.

Angelina Jolie’s dad is Jon Voight and your dad is just some guy.

#5 – Angelina Jolie can make two babies at the same time

I guess lots of people can do that now that I’m thinking about it more. I guess I made two babies at the same time, but it was really hard, and my body never looked like hers did afterwards, but still.

#4  Angelina Jolie is a better actress than you are.

Unless you are Helen Mirren. If you are Helen Mirren you can ignore this.

An academy award, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, and three Golden Globe Awards, and was named Hollywood’s highest-paid actress by Forbes in 2009 and 2011

#3 – Angelina Jolie is sleeping with Brad Pitt

I have never had sex with Brad Pitt.  I’m guessing you haven’t either. I think Angelina Jolie gets to do Brad Pitt all of the time. That seems like it would be pretty awesome.

#2 – Angelina Jolie has adopted more children than you have.

At last count Angelina Jolie has adopted three children. That is a lot. If you believe the Angelina Jolie/Madonna/Meg Ryan/Ewan McGregor model of what makes a person better than another person it is adopting babies. I also think you get extra points for adopting a child from a poor country.

#1 – Angelina Jolie’s Boobs are better than yours.

They just are. You have no counter argument here.

 

[photo: Gage Skidmore]

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27 Responses to 8 Reasons Angelina Jolie is Better Than You

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  5. Anissa on August 11, 2011 at 8:58 am

    She needs to shut her whore mouth!!

    Ok, I’m sick jealous,

  6. LauraC on August 11, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Truer words were never spoken.
    Billy Bob Thornton’s blood needs to be AT LEAST in the top.

  7. Goon Squad Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I’m wondering if I could drink the blood of a lesser celebrity and maybe only have like $3 million.

  8. lexa on August 11, 2011 at 9:58 am

    What happens if you drink Seth Greene’s blood? Stephen Baldwin? You turn to dust, methinks.

  9. flutter on August 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    actually, my tits are phenomenally more betterer than hers. But the rest of me looks like a pillowy heffalump and the rest of her looks like….her. So, damn it. She still wins.
    also? Angelina Jolie’s dad is Jon Voight and your dad is just some guy.

    truer words, never spoken.

    • Goon Squad Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

      Would it be weird if I asked to see your boobs?

      Yeah, probably. Just ignore this.

      • samoel on March 14, 2013 at 4:55 am

        shut the fuck offfffffffffffff

  10. RC on August 12, 2011 at 5:07 am

    This article simply confirms my opinion that Angelina Jolie attracts fans who are just as bitchy as she is. This little piece of writing composed by a bored housewife is intended to cause pain to everybody who has enough integrity to have doubts about Jolie. Let me just remind you, Goon Squad Sarah, that it is absurd that the married woman like you can like anything about Angelina Jolie. Or maybe you are just one of those stupid bitches who say on blogs that they like Jolie so much that they wouldn’t get mad if their husbands had an affair with her? Well done! Good luck with your marriage as someone with your mentality will hardly sustain anything!

    • Sarah on August 12, 2011 at 8:42 am
      • Suebob on August 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

        File under “Does not get it.”

    • Deb Rox on August 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

      This is Jennifer Aniston, isn’t it? You poor wretched thing. I feel for you honey, but you’ve got to move on. For your own sake.

      • IzzyMom on August 12, 2011 at 10:48 am

        *snort*

      • Sarah on August 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

        Jennifer! I should have known.

      • RC on August 12, 2011 at 12:13 pm

        You would be so lucky if I were Jennifer Aniston. No, I’m not … honey. By the way, judging by your avatar, you look like the back end of a bus. I hope your devotion to Angelina makes you a little prettier … honey. But I don’t think so.

    • Nicole on August 16, 2011 at 2:35 pm

      I’d let my husband sleep with her for a million bucks, or maybe just some of that bbt blood.

  11. thatgirlblogs on August 13, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    I’ve adopted 3 kids so I got all excited for a minute. Then I saw the Billy Bob blood thing, and I’m out.

  12. Sarah on August 14, 2011 at 9:17 am

    You were so close!

  13. Melinda on August 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Her lips scare me. Like frightened dog staring at fireworks scared. I keep thinking that she is gonna swallow her own face.

  14. Sarah and the Goon Squad » Heads Up on September 6, 2011 at 11:57 am

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  15. homemakerman on December 16, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Who in the fuck has time to have doubts about Angelina Jolie. Doubts in what way? That she exists? That her lips are real? I am totally confused.

    On another note, good article by the married woman like you. I am the reading of that article enjoyable. Also, my boobs are better than Jolie’s.

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