Iris Beholder has seen enough. Enough beauty that is. “It’s time I saw people the way God intended,” she said. “Ugly.”
It wasn’t intentional that Mrs. Beholder saw only the good on people, but rather a rare eye ailment known as Twilight Eye (Crepusculum Oculus Res). Twilight Eye is a hybrid condition combining an astigmatism with cataracts that is often triggered by cat dander and malt liquor. Most people that suffer from Twilight Eye claim that everyone they see is beautiful, thin and pouty — even under such intense ugly conditions as Wal-Mart, family reunions, and theme parks.
To remove the beauty from her eye, Beholder opted for an experimental and highly invasive procedure that requires daily applications of artificial tears eye drops, medicinal marijuana and roughly twenty minutes on WebMD.
“I just assumed that everyone was always pale and covered in glitter,” said Beholder. “Like that Harry Potter kid in the vampire movies. Turns out that isn’t real life.”
She continued, “The hardest part was coping with the realization that my husband isn’t nearly as attractive as I thought he was. All of these years of me calling him handsome and he never once corrected me.”
When contacted Mr. Beholder issued this statement: “I kind of thought the mirror would be the hard part.”
The Beholders are currently working with an on-air therapist whenever they are able to get through, but, as they are quick to admit, there is no guarantee that their call will be answered.
“And,” added Mrs. Beholder,” in the summertime you can sit on hold for an hour before you realize the show is a rerun.”
The real victim here may be the phone bill. “It isn’t pretty,” said Beholder before pausing to consider her own joke, “but what is these days?”
WebMD did not reply to queries regarding Twilight Eye, and an internet search failed to provide any speculation as to the success rate of Iris Beholder’s procedure. However, Mr. Beholder was firm with his optimism.
“Hell,” he said. “She’ll get used to it.”
I think I had that condition before. But It cleared up with reading glasses and compact florescent bulbs. And the mirror was the hard part.
It was pretty contagious when I was in college.
Thoroughly enjoyed this piece, hope to see more of your writings on here.
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Mrs. Beholder was very brave to undergo the experimental procedure to remove her Twilight Eye. Er….is it reversible?
Sounds a lot like removing one’s beer goggles…