Following the lead of major companies such as Netflix, AT&T and Apple, another industry is changing its pricing scheme.
A statement released by The Association of Distributors of Damn Good Things this past Tuesday advised that, due to these trying economic times, a new marketing strategy is being implemented affecting the price of the best things, raising it to an average of $16.84. The price hike, which raises the cost almost seventeen dollars from its original set price of free, goes into effect at the beginning of the month.
“We consider this to be a bold initiative for the industry,” stated Victor Walen, chairman of the Association. “An increase in revenue for the best things in life will help create growth and allow our employees to obtain more of the best things in life.
When the new rates go into effect, some of the best things which used to be free will now incur a small charge. The sound of a baby’s laugh will now be available for just $4.32. Staring into a lover’s eyes on an old bridge over a flowing stream will be $12.19. Other items will see a sizable price hike — your ten year-old daughter saying something poignant when you tuck her in to bed, for instance, will cost you a whopping $128.35.
“We understand that consumers are used to getting the best things in life for free,” explained Walen, “and we intend to keep some of these items at no cost. They might not be the absolute best things, but they come rather close.”
He went on to explain that finding a perfectly good piece of fruit in the trash will still not cost consumers a cent, nor will witnessing your annoying co-worker tripping on the carpet and spilling her drink. “We’re looking forward to providing you with more choices,” Walen went on to clarify. “Do you want to to proudly display your toddler’s artwork on the refrigerator for $17.95? Or would you rather he not pee all over himself during the car ride home for free? Now you can decide for yourself.”
Certain items of the best things in life will not undergo any price changes at all. A 2008 Aston Martin Vantage will remain $132,500, and snorting cocaine off of a red-headed hooker’s ass will continue to set you back $603.35.