Held by Martha Dumphtruk as she pickets from her Rascal scooter alongside the Keebler Elves, the Teddy Grahams bears, and the Mexican children who make Oreos, the sign is a perfect example of the support shown by the American people as the brand name cookie industry enters its third month of striking. “I would gladly pay an additional dollar a box just to eat some of those sweet, sweet E.L. Fudge cookies,” drools Dumphtruk. “Nabisco and Keebler and all the other companies are just being greedy, and it’s not fair.”
Industry experts suggest that the public support for the mascots and underprivileged workers may have a directly causal connection to the shortage of brand-name cookies available in stores as a direct result of the strike. Aisle after aisle, consumers are only able to find Yoreos, L.A. Fudgish, Grammy Teddys, and other shitty generic store-brand cookies that have none of the taste or appeal of their brand-name counterparts.
Tempers have flared as shoppers have fought over the few brand-name products left on shelves.
In one particularly sobering incident, suburban housewife Martha Dilling shot and killed fourteen-year old Anna Tyrone over the last box of Double Stuf Oreos at a Tampa, Florida, Publix. “That bitch was too fat anyways, and she was going to leave me with these shitty generic cookies. I showed her!” Dilling cackled as she was led away in handcuffs.
The Fruit and Vegetable Growers of America has developed an advertising campaign encouraging consumers to try a carrot instead, which is “crisp, tasty, and much better than any of those shitty generic cookies”, but recent studies show that American shoppers would rather just eat Crisco by the spoonful instead of trying vegetables.
An anonymous source at Nabisco suggested that the strike would be over soon. “Mascots are not hard to replace, and soon enough, they will be reminded just how much power we have”, presumably referring to the Oreo Middleman, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances during tense contract negotiations in the late 80s.