A haunting prospect from your past has been confirmed: while initially dismissed as rumor and hearsay, it appears that Peter Donnelly, the boy who sat behind you in your eighth grade Spanish class, has been engaging in a sexual relationship with your mother for the past twenty-three years.
“At first we thought Peter was saying this just to provoke you,” reported Dena Layton, a classmate and former editor of the middle school yearbook, “but after several decades of research and surveillance, we published our findings which confirm that he and your mom have had sexual intercourse four hundred sixty-seven times over slightly over two decades.”
This news shocked other former members of the eighth-grade class, including Donnelly’s best friend Kevin Hardaway. “I would high-five Pete when he’d call your mom a slut and say how he would ravage her from behind while tugging on her hair, all the time listening to her beg for it. I never in a million years thought that it was true, but in hindsight I certainly can see it.”
“Well, the cat’s out of the bag,” responded Dr. Peter Donnelly, now a pediatric surgeon in private practice and far more successful than you’ll ever be. “It’s all true. Ironically, I did just start this by taunting you with all of the ‘your mom’ comments. I wanted to get you upset. But then I met Charlene — I mean, your mom. And we really hit it off. Perhaps it was the fact that it was all so illicit that made it so incredibly hot.”
“Come to think of it, the relationship far outlasted the vicious, verbal barbs I threw at you,” added Donnelly. “I think I stopped mentioning it in the ninth grade. But we still kept doing each other. In fact, I’ll be seeing her later tonight.”
Your mom would not consent to an interview but released a prepared statement advising Insert Eyeroll that the relationship was entirely consensual, and that the reason she had sex with one of your classmates was because your childhood was a total disappointment.