A recent poll of FOX News viewers discovered that 64% expected a full apology from Freedom Warrior Glenn Beck after he allegedly made a moderate statement during an assembly of the Non Racist Republicans Who Hate Our Black President For Some Other Reason That We Can’t Quite Articulate (NRRWHOBPFSORTWCQA). 10% of the viewers polled wanted Greta Van Susteren to apologize for scaring them, and the remaining 26% accidentally voted for George Bush.
As the keynote speaker during the luncheon, Beck spoke eloquently and emotionally about issues of great importance to both him and “all non racist Republicans who really can’t stand our President for plenty of reasons that we don’t feel like discussing right now”. The speech was impassioned, and by the end of his hour-long plea for sanity, standing amidst a pile of tear-stained, balled-up Freedom Tissues, Beck seemed physically and emotionally exhausted.
“He really spoke to me,” said NRRWHOBPFSORTWCQA founder Tucker Vandergriff IV, “and his tearful concern for the well-being of my wallet and the profit margins for my father’s company, along with the wallets and profit margins of every corporate executive, completely justified laying off 2% of our workforce in order to afford Mr. Beck’s speaking engagement fees.”
Beck’s final words, though, elicited an audible gasp from the alabaster crowd. “He was explaining to all of us how the flames of freedom were dying, and that only by banding together, could we fan those flames and keep the ember of patriotism burning.” Vandergriff recounted. “Then he said ‘Only by linking arms with our brown and yellow and black brethren, with our sisters living in sapphic sin, with Independents and Democrats, with Muslims and Jews and atheists, only then, can we truly be free’.”
The ensuing commotion resulted in thousands of dollars of foie gras and filet mignon medallions remaining uneaten as the attendees slowly filed out in an orderly fashion, expressing their disbelief in indignant, polite whispers, then peeling away in their luxury cars after undertipping the valets.
When asked for comment, a representative for Glenn Beck stated that “Mr. Beck was suffering from extreme exhaustion and dehydration caused by intense crying and wrenching the cockles of his heart. He offers his deepest apologies to anyone who may have lost faith in him as a result of his poor choice of words, when he clearly meant to say ‘arming ourselves against’ instead of ‘linking arms with’. Mr. Beck hopes that each of his viewers and listeners will forgive him for his sins much like Jesus forgave each of them for their sins. He would also like to remind each of you that at least he didn’t appear on that elitely liberal intellectual snobfest ‘Family Guy’ like Rush Limbaugh did.”
Beck will be seen next at the Young Republicans With Jewish-sounding Names Who Are Actually Protestants luncheon.
[Photo courtesy Gage Skidmore]