Women have been upset with Barbie for decades, saying she doesn’t represent “real women,” with her over-sized breasts and way-too-thin waist. But now another reason for the vitriol has surfaced. Parents around the world are expressing outrage over Mattel’s latest announcement that they’re releasing an anatomically correct Barbie doll in time for the Christmas holiday.
“It’s time to bring Barbie into the 21st century,” says a Mattel spokesperson. “We are confident that sales will show people want the new and improved Barbie.” Barbie will now come with nipples and a vagina. Does this mean that we’ll soon see Ken with a penis? “We’re starting off with Barbie and we’ll see how it goes from there,” says Mattel.
A Barbie salon where Barbie can get a “Brazilian” is also set for launch in the near future Are children ready for a Barbie with nipples? “Kids are learning about the human body much sooner than they used to,” Mattel says. “We’re pretty sure they can handle the new Barbie. She’ll invite healthy discussion with parents about sexuality.”
Martha King, a parent, says, “This is ridiculous! What’s next? Pregnant Barbie? If I wanted my daughter to know about pubic hair, I’d teach her myself.”
In fact, there will be a Pregnant Barbie, where children can extract the baby from Barbie’s belly in the new Barbie OB-Gyn Clinic, decorated in the classic Barbie Pink. Kids can pick out either a girl baby or a boy baby in the store. There will also be a “surprise” option, where the baby’s sex won’t be known until delivery. Ken, still a eunuch, will be the delivering doctor in the new hospital setting.
Mattel is also releasing a Gina doll, for those parents that want to introduce lesbianism into their house. Gina will sport a shorter hairdo than the traditional Barbie, and will also be anatomically correct.
The American Family Union is very displeased. “Barbie is not a lesbian! She’s always been with Ken, and that’s the way it should stay,” says Bob Benton, President of the AFU. “Mattel is pushing the homosexual lifestyle on children. Look, they won’t even give Ken a penis!”
Mattel disagrees, saying, “We are merely giving customers what they want. Lesbian households are on the rise, and releasing Gina is helping to represent a demographic that already exists.”