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Mattel Announces Anatomically Correct Barbie, Parents Outraged

Women have been upset with Barbie for decades, saying she doesn’t represent “real women,” with her over-sized breasts and way-too-thin waist. But now another reason for the vitriol has surfaced. Parents around the world are expressing outrage over Mattel’s latest announcement that they’re releasing an anatomically correct Barbie doll in time for the Christmas holiday.

“It’s time to bring Barbie into the 21st century,” says a Mattel spokesperson. “We are confident that sales will show people want the new and improved Barbie.” Barbie will now come with nipples and a vagina. Does this mean that we’ll soon see Ken with a penis? “We’re starting off with Barbie and we’ll see how it goes from there,” says Mattel.

A Barbie salon where Barbie can get a “Brazilian” is also set for launch in the near future  Are children ready for a Barbie with nipples? “Kids are learning about the human body much sooner than they used to,” Mattel says. “We’re pretty sure they can handle the new Barbie. She’ll invite healthy discussion with parents about sexuality.”

Martha King, a parent, says, “This is ridiculous! What’s next? Pregnant Barbie? If I wanted my daughter to know about pubic hair, I’d teach her myself.”

In fact, there will be a Pregnant Barbie, where children can extract the baby from Barbie’s belly in the new Barbie OB-Gyn Clinic, decorated in the classic Barbie Pink. Kids can pick out either a girl baby or a boy baby in the store. There will also be a “surprise” option, where the baby’s sex won’t be known until delivery. Ken, still a eunuch, will be the delivering doctor in the new hospital setting.

Mattel is also releasing a Gina doll, for those parents that want to introduce lesbianism into their house. Gina will sport a shorter hairdo than the traditional Barbie, and will also be anatomically correct.

The American Family Union is very displeased. “Barbie is not a lesbian! She’s always been with Ken, and that’s the way it should stay,” says Bob Benton, President of the AFU. “Mattel is pushing the homosexual lifestyle on children. Look, they won’t even give Ken a penis!”

Mattel disagrees, saying, “We are merely giving customers what they want. Lesbian households are on the rise, and releasing Gina is helping to represent a demographic that already exists.”

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16 Responses to Mattel Announces Anatomically Correct Barbie, Parents Outraged

  1. Jayme (RandomBlogette) on September 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Bwahahaha! GINA is a vagina lover! Love it!

  2. martymankins on September 12, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Mattel… teaching kids what parents refuse to.

    I love the part about Ken still being a eunuch.

  3. Maura on September 12, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Ha! Ken, still dickless after all these years!

    • Richard C. August on November 27, 2012 at 6:41 pm

      This is exactly what the feminists at Mattel want. They want women to have all the sex organs, and all the sex, they can handle, while men remain operative post-radical-penorchidectomy.

      No wonder growing numbers of straight men don’t even want women to breathe our air. If all we are to women is castrated sperm donors or emasculated walking dildos or ATM machines, then we think that women can go to sperm banks, then to the money banks, then to the adult stores themselves. Except as hired help, we men won’t be there.

      • Kit Cotter on August 3, 2013 at 1:12 am

        I totally understand what you’re saying, as another hetero-male living in a ‘femiNazi’ world, LOL. Thank Source we have humour…

  4. Overexposed and Under Influenced | buckwheat basics on September 12, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    [...] with Barbie. Mattel claims that our children are ready for this. (Again, read the article here, if you [...]

  5. Sybil Law on September 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    I’ll be Gina is from Virginia, AKA, VAGina.
    I wonder if they’ll now sell a Count Cuntula costume for anatomically correct Barbie around Halloween?
    Also, lactating Barbie?
    Man, the possibilities are endless!

  6. Rachel on September 13, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    What’s hilarious about this is that there really IS a pregnant Barbie doll already. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midge_(Barbie)

    Also check out my favorite, Earring Magic Ken, AKA Cock Ring Ken.

    Good times.

  7. Melania on October 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Wow! I never thought that parents would be so stupid. If you are against a product, don’t buy it. Buy the originals. I am happy to hear of the news. When I was a kid I thought that my Barbie was strange and would use hair from other dolls to tape pubic hair onto Barbie. I knew she was an adult and thought it was strange she looked like a child. Good for Mattel on this one! (Although, I realize they are only responding to a market demand in the same hopes to gain profit as always)

  8. Donna on January 17, 2012 at 6:36 am

    I feel we are mostly talking about women in America, yes I’m also American, and looking at women walking around the U.S. today, I can see why they are upset with the way a toy doll is designed. Most of the Women in America today are way over weight, America get back in shape, make your Husbands proud to be around, stop eating at fast food places, cook dinner at home, don’t blame your insecurities on a doll, if your fat its your fault. I hear well I’m or she is big boned, have your ever seen a fat skeleton. There is no such thing as big boned.

  9. acninee on February 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Given that the author of this article is a comedy writer, I’m not sure how much, if any of it, to believe.

  10. Echotrim on November 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I think Parents now a days are more immature then the kids themselves. All I got to say is grow up to the parents that said that.

  11. breaking news on February 7, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Its like you learn my mind! You appear to know so much approximately this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you just can do with some % to power the message home a little bit, however other than that, this is wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I’ll certainly be back.

  12. Tabatha Osborn on April 9, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I tink the whole pubic hair is a bit much. i love the pregnant doll ting but i had one when i was a kid and loved it. and te suprise option thats cool. i also like te lesbian doll idea but i think itd be good if u make a gay ken doll. as not only is lesbian households on the rise but so are gay households. i have gay male friends and lesbian friends. i tink its all awsome minus te pubic hair…thats a bit much and Anatomically correct is a bit much,.

  13. Mollard LaMorve on July 18, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Rumor has it that Ken’s first girlfriend was a Lorena Bobbitt doll.

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