It started with a glass of rotten milk. “I took one sip, gagged, and chastised myself for not checking the expiration date”, said world-renowned gerontologist Dr. Sally Field, who is no relation to the world-renowned actress. “And that’s when it hit me. So many different products in the world, from milk to batteries to prophylactics, have expiration dates. Why not humans?”
Sally Field, actress, not Dr. Sally Field, gerontologist
Determined to unearth the human expiration date, Field performed intense experiments on a group of 100 elderly citizens who had volunteered for the study in return for getting a coupon for free day-old bread. All subjects were above the age of 60, because, according to Field, “the closer to death one is, the more likely it will be that his or her expiration date will be visible.”
The subjects were split into three groups. Group A was bombarded with several types of radiation: alpha particles, beta particles, x-rays, neutron, electromagnetic, infrared, microwave, and even gamma rays. “In order to avoid any dangerous reactions from the gamma radiation, the subject was kept separate from any emotional triggers and was denied access to purple pants.”
Group B spent one week in isolation with only one pair of undergarments each. These undergarments were subsequently submitted for testing, providing Field with blood, urine, fecal, semen and vaginal secretion samples. “I carefully examined each pair of undergarments, searching for cell count, genetic markers, or other microscopic evidence that may provide conclusive proof of the human expiration date,” Field said in her presentation, which will be published in next month’s AARP Journal.
It was with Group C, however, that Field finally experienced success. By introducing each subject to something which he or she feared most, whether it was mice, snakes, or liberals, and combining that adrenaline with genital shock torture, Field discovered a pattern. “Each subject’s pulse and heart rate worked in rhythm to create a number that, when extrapolated to a calendar, provided me with a date that was different for each subject and yet consistent each time I ran the experiment.” Luckily, Field did not have to wait long to test her theory. “Subject 94′s expiration date coincided with the date of the experiment, and as expected, all bodily functions ceased shortly after we concluded the ‘Large Black Man with a Mask Chases Subject’ part of the experiment.”
Next, Field will be working on a “Home Genital Electroshock and Fear Inducing Therapy Kit” which will provide adult children with the ability to know exactly how long they will have to put up with their parents, but that will have to wait until she returns from her celebration after winning the Nobel Prize for Creepy Fucking Science. “Suck on that, milk!” she exclaimed at the awards ceremony. “You like me, you really like me!”
Not sure about expiration dates, but I might be coming to my Best Before date.
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