Baby Sucker-Punched by Floor, Swears Vengeance

Damaging photos of suspect in custody support baby's allegations.

Chicago, IL – A baby “blindsided” by a hardwood floor in his apartment publicly vowed to avenge the unprovoked act of aggression. “It just came out of nowhere,” the baby, known as Bub, said. “Hit me right in the back of the head like a two by four.”

Actually, it was a two by four. As is the norm in many Chicago apartments, the floors of his abode are finished hardwood, a result of the Great Carpet Shortage of the 1930s. Police had no problems tracking down the suspect, who was still nailed to the floor of the apartment.

“Hiding in plain sight, seen it a million times,” Officer Davis noted. “Backfired big time in this case.”

Police questioned the suspect for about an hour at the scene.

“Didn’t give us much,” Davis said. “Nothing, actually. What can you do? Fucking Miranda rights.”
Police do, however, suspect he may have had accomplices.

“Are you kidding me?” Davis said. “You ever seen a two by four work alone? Nope, always in splinter cells. Tougher to nail down that way.” The boy’s father, Daddy, was the only witness to the alleged crime, though he is regarded as being highly unreliable in general. He has also agreed to testify for the defense.

“The kid just fell over!” he said. “He was sitting there, got a little too exuberant with his rattle, and fell backwards. Cried like a little baby, too, I might add.”

Well, he is a baby, and an angry baby after hearing Daddy’s version of the events.

“Yeah, hey, sure, that’s a likely story,” Bub responded. “By the way, there’s this really cool new invention called carpet, cheap-ass.”

Police released the suspect after Bub failed to pick him out of a lineup of other two by fours.

“He hit me from behind!” Bub screamed.

In the end, all charges were dropped, though Bub has threatened vigilante justice.

“This isn’t over,” he said. “I know where you live. I’m going to make a bow and arrow out of you, and then shoot you with yourself!”

The suspect had no comment, as it is still just a piece of wood.

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About the Writer

MVB once rocked the Casbah for over two hours until it fell asleep. He knows exactly who let the dogs out, but plays coy when asked. He’s single-handedly trying to re-introduce the verb beget into the everyday lexicon. A self-described “man of extremes,” he peaked in 1987, before turning his back on popularity, a decision that begat skateboarding and petty theft. He’s never been arrested, but he keeps hope alive. He likes gummy bears and long shadows and being right. He traveled to Easter Island on Christmas out of sheer irony. He excises a hefty syntax, and shamelessly promotes the color orange. His beautiful wife wins all the bread—he merely butters it. They begat a small child who he makes fun of mercilessly at http://manversusbaby.blogspot.com/.

Tags: babies, bitchy babies, parenting