The buzz around Hollywood these days revolves around one of the most highly anticipated movie releases of the next year. In a marketing move that can only be described as…predictable…Dirty Dancing will be re-released in 3-D. ”It’s a perfect formula,” says talent agent and Hollywood insider Regina Phalange.
Phalange continues: “First, you have a classic 80′s film that women from Generation X have committed to memory. Then you add the curiosity factor. Teenage girls want to know what is so great about the film that their mothers still watch on lonely Saturday nights, gorging themselves on cookie dough ice cream and Cheetos. All you need for the key 16-35 male demographic is putting the movie in 3-D. It doesn’t matter what the movie is about. If it’s in 3-D, adolescent males will go see it. It’s box office gold.”
Of course, the conversion of the classic film to the 3-D format required a few minor additions. Dancers’ body parts have been (ahem) enhanced to pop on the screen, resulting in 50% larger breasts and 60% larger crotch bulges in each dance number. Filmmakers also used motion capture technology to enhance Baby and Johnny’s super-sized “dance space” and “spaghetti arms” at key points in the movie. ”Each lift and kick flies off the screen into the audience. Each bump and grind thrusts itself into the moviegoer’s lap. It’s like an interactive experience,” says Jean Claude van Damme, director of the enhanced remake. ”There are those who say you shouldn’t mess with a classic,” van Damme continues. “But we just knew that with these minor enhancements plus a few added fight scenes and an homage to The Matrix, we would have a film that would update the movie for a new generation.”
Jennifer Grey was last seen in the Witness Protection Program and could not be reached for comment. Patrick Swayze was last seen doing the pachanga in his grave.