“Go fuck yourself, ya fuckin’ fuck.”
That’s what Wayne Kesock (not his real name) replied when asked how his diagnosis with a serious life-threatening illness has changed his outlook.
“Being sick fuckin’ sucks donkey ass. I’m not going to lie to make anyone feel better. I’m going to die. Fuckin’ fuck.”
Four months ago, Kesock was diagnosed with an aggressive form of a disease he refuses to name. “I’m not giving them jerks who run the prevention campaign any publicity. Where was my prevention? Dicks.”
A doctor at Kesock’s clinic – who asked not to be named after Kesock threatened to castrate him with a mallet – has confirmed that Kesock does indeed have the disease and that his life expectancy is estimated between three to five years .
When questioned about Kesock’s psychological state, the doctor reported, “Normally people go through the stages of grief but then rally support and make the most of what’s left of their life – reconnect with family and friends, search out solace in religious faith or secular philosophy.”
And Kesock?
“Well…I hate to say it, but he’s really an obnoxious jerk. At the clinic, we wonder if it would be better for everyone if he were involved in a head-on collision with a boulder. Or was crushed to death by a vending machine this week. Something.”
Other aid givers seem to agree.
In the weeks since his diagnosis, Kesock has threatened to sue a writer who offered to help memorialize his life. In another incident, a Girl Scout troop that arrived with frozen meals was chased off Kesock’s doorstep when he opened fire with a paintball gun soon after a local priest who attempted to offer spiritual ministry was so shaken by his meeting with Kesock that the priest has since left the clergy to move to Nevada with a waitress.
When presented with his less-than-inspirational behavior, Kesock was blunt:
“My bucket list now includes armed robbery and starving a puppy. Bite me.”
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jupiter_jazz/10887560/
this is the funniest story I’ve read all week. And now I think I am going to channel my own “Inner Wayne” the next time someone tries to help/ give me any medical advice!
Tweeted & Fcebooked.
Oh my god this was funny. Will now share everywhere, fucking fuck!
That was too good. Fuck those fucks.
I have a terminal hangnail case, and I don’t want any support from any of these fucking jerks.