“It was the almonds that hurt the most,” said a woman who was the victim of a bizarre stoning that involved a barrage of organic, locally grown peaches, plums, apricots, almonds and, ironically, stone fruits. “The unripe apricots left some bruises, but an almond in the eye is no joke. Fucking scratched my cornea.”
Early Tuesday morning, a benign mother’s group meeting in the small town of Fairville, Georgia turned sour when the victim who wishes to remain anonymous revealed her ignorance of the Yaki Teriyaki sauce at the meeting.
“They turned against her pretty quickly,” reported a witness, “but honestly, who doesn’t know about TJ’s two-buck Chuck wine?”
Grocery store allegiance faced radical upheaval when Trader Joe’s opened a store only minutes away from the woman’s house almost two years ago, and law enforcement remains baffled regarding how she has escaped persecution for this long.
“There’s some powerful magic in the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer,” explains the police chief, “and their neighborhood involvement effort is intense. They thought they got everyone. They were wrong.”
The Lone Wolf cited scheduling difficulties for her lack of patriotism – something about ”time constraints” and “already going to two grocery stores.”
Cathy Cason, an alleged ringleader at the mother’s group that devolved into a stoning angrily snapped, “You know what? John Wilkes Booth said the same thing before turning against his country, too.”