“It was the almonds that hurt the most,” said a woman who was the victim of a bizarre stoning that involved a barrage of organic, locally grown peaches, plums, apricots, almonds and, ironically, stone fruits. “The unripe apricots left some bruises, but an almond in the eye is no joke. Fucking scratched my cornea.”
Early Tuesday morning, a benign mother’s group meeting in the small town of Fairville, Georgia turned sour when the victim who wishes to remain anonymous revealed her ignorance of the Yaki Teriyaki sauce at the meeting.
“They turned against her pretty quickly,” reported a witness, “but honestly, who doesn’t know about TJ’s two-buck Chuck wine?”
Grocery store allegiance faced radical upheaval when Trader Joe’s opened a store only minutes away from the woman’s house almost two years ago, and law enforcement remains baffled regarding how she has escaped persecution for this long.
“There’s some powerful magic in the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer,” explains the police chief, “and their neighborhood involvement effort is intense. They thought they got everyone. They were wrong.”
The Lone Wolf cited scheduling difficulties for her lack of patriotism – something about ”time constraints” and “already going to two grocery stores.”
Cathy Cason, an alleged ringleader at the mother’s group that devolved into a stoning angrily snapped, “You know what? John Wilkes Booth said the same thing before turning against his country, too.”
Tarja Parssinen is a freelance writer and stay-at-home mom to a toddler who gives new meaning to the word “spirited.” Once, long ago, she was a member of her college’s sketch comedy group, which she continues to blame for public displays of ego. She blogs at The Flying Chalupa and is expecting her second bundle of terror in the fall. 
Oh my god, who could laugh harder than me at the pain caused by pitted fruits.
“scratched my cornea.”
This was just what I love to read, esp on a Monday morning.
LOVED this.
Have you been stoned too? My organic (artichoke) heart goes out to you, A.
xo
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Yeay Tarja!
(And sorry about the cocktail grapefruits–never knew I had such a good arm)
You really are the leader of the Trader Joe’s Mafia, aren’t you?
You and your fruit leather.
Oh Tarja…I live less than a mile from Trader Joes and I have to admit that I am probably there weekly. I risk being stoned by the little people who inhabit my home if I don’t go there, so I feel for the woman scorned by society.
On another note, has she tried the bags o’ kettle corn? Mmmm…
Kettle corn, you say? Interesting. I’ll pass this along to the “woman.”
People who live in glass houses should not throw almonds. Or something like that.
You need to put that on a bumper sticker.
You absolutely crack me up EVERY TIME! I loved this! There is no Trader Joe’s anywhere near me. I think I’m missing out BIG TIME.
Oh, you’re missing out alright! Or so I hear.
Ok…I will admit…
I’ve never been to a Trader Joes.
Nope.
Never.
I blame my Canadian government.
Don’t worry, I won’t report you to the TJICOP (Trader Joe’s International Community Outreach Program.)
There’s a Trader Joe’s on every corner here, right next to the Starbucks. I’m assuming that’s a good thing because I’m thinking I’d like to keep my cornea.
Corneas are truly useful body parts. Enjoy the dried mango AND your stellar vision!
First I was bitter that we have no Costco where I live. Then I find out about this magical mecca that is Trader Joe’s. That’s it. I’mma go pelt myself with pitted fruits.
Church of the Latter Day Safeways! That’s genius.
I don’t know a single other soul who could connect John Wilkes Booth with Trader Joe’s.
Always amazed, Tarja!
The church of Latter Day Safeways! Large out loud laughing happening here.
Way to go. You sent me on a trip to Trader Joe’s and I will never see the place in quite the same way again.
Trader Joe’s isn’t planning a massive invasion like Starbucks aren’t they?
It’s been 38 years since my last confession….Forgive me, for I have sinned. I have never been inside a Trader Joe’s. I will sing 8 Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars, 10 Bah Bah Black Sheeps, and never ever speak of this again.
Also, I will spend the rest of my week ducking from flying fruit and nuts!
This was a riot. Except now I’m going to be scared for my life since I’ve only been in a Trader Joe’s ONCE in my life. And? I DIDN’T LIKE IT!!
(Diving under computer desk as I hit post…)
I hear so much about TJ but can only dream.
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