Radcliffe, PA — Pediatric surgeon Delmore Hicks claims to have made a significant breakthrough that may change the way surgery is performed on children under the age of four. According to Dr. Hicks, he has performed more than 170 surgical procedures on children in the last year…without anesthetic.
Dr. Hicks says that, in June of 2011, due to a miscommunication with hospital staff at Radcliffe Children’s Hospital, he began a hernia repair on a three-year old boy before the general anesthetic had been administered. When the anesthesiologist arrived, they quickly put the tyke under and continued the procedure. There were no untoward outcomes, and surprisingly, no resulting lawsuits.
“That’s when I first got the idea,” said Hicks in a press conference. “Even though the little guy was not unconscious, he was completely unresponsive and glazed over. When I thought about it later, I realized that he was just completely absorbed in the Elmo video that the nurse had put on to distract him.”
After that, Dr. Hicks began experimenting with minor procedures at his private clinic, using Elmo videos instead of sedatives and local anesthetics. As he racked up more successes, he tried more involved surgeries, such as removal of hemangiomas and ear tube surgery.
Because the legality of this “alternative anesthetic” is dubious, Dr. Hicks was reluctant to elaborate further on the types of surgeries he has conducted. When reporters asked if he had performed appendectomies or tonsillectomies, Dr. Hicks said, while nodding his head “yes,” that he was “not comfortable answering any questions about specific surgeries.”
“Look,” said Hicks when asked if he worried about the ethical implications of this experimentation,”Every time a kid goes under with a general, there’s a pretty serious risk that he won’t come out.” He continued, ” The only risk with ‘Elmosthesia’ is that he’ll babble about Telly Monster and Stinky the Stinkweed for a couple of days.”
When asked if he had encountered any children who didn’t respond well to Elmosthesia, Dr. Hicks said that, although even children who had never seen Elmo before are immediately transfixed by his image, the effect lessens and eventually dies out after age four. “And,” he added, “any appearance by Mr. Noodle can cause violent and unpredictable reactions from the patient.”