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Area Infant Hasn’t Pooped In Two Weeks; Parents Brace Themselves

"The kid might as well be wearing a remote detonator bomb," his father said.

Savannah, Georgia–Theodore Janx, 11 weeks old, has not moved his bowels since December 17, according to his parents, Renee and Harlon Janx of 15 Chickapee Lane.

“He doesn’t even seem that constipated,” his mother said. “Except that every now and then he’ll ball up his fists and make a face like he’s trying to suck his mouth up into his nose. And then usually he’ll let out a ripping fart. But no poop.” She says she is flummoxed, as she breastfeeds him at least 10 times a day. “I just don’t know where it goes,” she said, wiping away tears.

Renee Janx has even taken to “double-diapering” her son in the hopes of containing what she believes will be an explosive event. “Sometimes if he doesn’t go for two or three days it shoots right through his onesie and out of his pants,” she said. “I half expect this one to take out the whole neighborhood in a big, yellow mushroom cloud.”

The boy’s father, however, remains in good spirits. “I’m just excited to see the show when it finally happens,” he said. “My brother has a wedding coming up in February, and part of me hopes Theo’ll wait it out til then, and time it with the ‘I dos.’ But my Fantasy Football league started a pool on when the kid will finally shit, and I picked January 13. So that would work, too.”

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2 Responses to Area Infant Hasn’t Pooped In Two Weeks; Parents Brace Themselves

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  2. smart aleck on June 17, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Now that my child has been born, this is more scary than funny–I brace myself when it’s been more than 12 hours–can’t imagine days!!!

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