“The performance is really disappointing. This thing hasn’t replaced a single word in one of my texts with anything that’s crude or even mildly suggestive,” said Kellen Chandler, 26, owner of the phone. “I paid a lot of money with the expectation that on a regular basis I’d be inadvertently sending awkward, sexually-loaded messages to family members and close friends that I’d have to immediately respond to with embarrassed apologies, but it just hasn’t happened.”
Particularly galling to Chandler is the fact that he has composed a number of texts with the sole intent of engaging the phone’s Kathy Griffin-like vocabulary to no avail.
“For example, one day I sent this completely nonsensical message to my mom: hey, come over and I’ll bloe a load of my hot mand fizz all over yore luscious tilts,” explained Chandler. “I mean, that’s Damn You Auto Correct! gold, right?”
“So I check my phone a couple minutes later fully anticipating a cheek-reddening reply from my poor, bewildered mother but instead find that the phone substituted with ‘hey, come over and I’ll bake a loaf of my hot ham bliss to go with your delicious grits.’ It’s like a fucking Hallmark moment.”
Chandler attempted to exchange his iPhone for a more vulgar model at the Radio Shack where he purchased the popular Apple product, but management explained that a non-offensive autocorrect isn’t expressly covered by warranty, even when sending blatantly contrived texts.