An area man is upset with his new iPhone, claiming the electronic device’s word substitution choices are not nearly inappropriate enough. “The performance is really disappointing. This thing hasn’t replaced a single word in one of my texts with anything that’s crude or even mildly suggestive,” said Kellen Chandler, 26, owner of the phone. “I...
Iona, ID–Negotiations in the lunch trade between Clearview Elementary second graders Timmy Penderson and Bobby Franks have reached an impasse, with neither side showing any sign of weakening. The talks, which have already stretched into an exhausting fifth minute and threatened to divide the students in this small cafeteria/gymanasium, have become increasingly heated as an 11:33...
According to recent studies, a majority of men in the United States catch themselves noddin’ their heads like “Yeah!” and moving their hips like “Yeah!” on a daily basis, an epidemic that has prompted the formation of thousands of support groups nationwide. Experts say that men suffering from female lyricophobia — also known as...
Not surprisingly, Denver Bronco Tim Tebow was the runaway choice in Insert Eyeroll Sports’ mid-season NFL player poll when respondents were asked to name the “Most Overrated Quarterback Likely to Circumcise a Third-World Child During Halftime.” Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning each received 0% of the vote, as did every other quarterback...
WASHINGTON, DC – In a long-awaited yet controversial move, DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart announced this week that PSD (Powered Sugar Donuts) will be designated a Schedule I Controlled Substance effective January 1, 2012. “Schedule I drugs are highly-addictive, easily-abused, and serve no scientifically-verified medical purpose,” said Leonhart, speaking at a press briefing near a vending...
PETA is demanding that visitors traveling to Yellowstone National Park to pass on the chili cheese dogs beckoning them at gas station convenience stores and consider handfuls of rye grass or cups of grain instead. The intent is to help the historic ecosystem’s grizzly bears more easily digest tourists in the highly-likely scenario that...
Major retailers have been rolling out Christmas collections earlier and earlier each year, so it was no surprise that shoppers entering Target stores nationwide this week were met by overly-jubilant store associates sporting ill-fitting Santa hats. What was surprising is that Target was unveiling its 2014 collection in a campaign the retail giant is dubbing...
Bear Grylls has endured leech infestations in the jungles of Borneo, trapped and slaughtered a wild boar on the Malaysian Archipelago, and feasted on raw kangaroo scrotum in the Australian Outback, but this fall he’ll face his toughest challenge yet: dodging a deadly herd of rabid midnight shoppers stampeding to a pallet full of...
Who wears short shorts? Perhaps professional basketball stars such as LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzki if a controversial provision becomes part of the NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement. Although issues such as revenue sharing and salary caps have received the most media attention during ownership’s three-month lockout of the league’s players, a source close to...
