Collinstown, Tennessee — Jennifer Hansen sits on her porch reflecting on the maelstrom that has gripped Samuel Smalley Elementary School in Collinstown in a dramatic and unexpected way. “I got the idea from ‘Pay It Forward’ ” said Hansen, known simply as Mrs. Hansen to her students, “Every year, I ask my students to...
A few years ago, Cynthia Greenheart took her two children to watch what promised to be a heartwarming tale of a dancing CGI penguin learning to jig like Sammy Davis, Jr. What Greenheart got was a wallet that was about forty dollars lighter, one child who discovered that it takes at least forty five...
In an exciting yet completely irrelevant press release, Professor Geneva Winchester of the U.K. revealed research that directly contradicts the existing speculations surrounding Herman Cain’s lagging performance as a presidential front runner. Winchester maintains, “It’s quite simple, really. Mister Cain’s poor performance was not due to instances of sexual impropriety with former employees. In...
A month has passed since the debt ceiling crisis was averted this past July, and Americans have quietly accepted the idea that it resulted from a series of complex negotiations conducted between House Speaker John Boehner and President Barack Obama. Due to layoffs at Krystal’s at the end of July, several of Insert Eyeroll’s...
Americans have embraced environmental protection with their characteristic vigor for trends tinged with social responsibility. A recent study conducted by the University of Southeast Florida, however, reveals that interests in activities like reducing of fossil fuel consumption or composting have had a slightly negative effect upon this generation of Americans. Specifically, today’s Americans are...
While a stack of dogeared classic works of fiction is fairly easy to acquire, reading the stack is a different matter. Yesterday, 3 out of 5 of our staff members indicated that “being well read” was the top thing everyone thinks is essential to not having people think you’re a doofus. Incidentally, the fourth...
In 1991, Hollywood icon and epitome of glamor, Elizabeth Taylor, launched the perfume “White Diamonds,” a signature scent destined to be associated with the rarely visited cosmetic counter at Walgreen’s. Since that time, celebs from the totally expected Justin Beiber to the highly surprising Bruce Willis have graced their adoring fans with the possibility...
Social commentators and pundits are likening the crowds congregating in Manhattan’s financial district to the “Arab Spring” movements which have been taking place all over the Middle East. The movements in the Middle East erupted in the midst of a perfect storm of disaffected population and a corrupt system that has systematically disenfranchised individuals...
Being cool may seem like a frivolous endeavor, but recent studies at some lesser known universities with which nobody is really familiar indicate that nearly 68% of the world’s individuals and organizations list “being cool” as one of the top 10 things they want to do before they die. Furthermore, these same universities are...
Weston, Connecticut — Publicists for Keith Richards have confirmed what has long been suspected, that he is not technically a man, but is, in fact, a vampire. While much ado has been made of the situation by Richards’ own publicists, everyone on Earth is yawning a loud, self righteous, “Well, yeah, DUH.” Everyone, that...
