FRANKLIN MILLS, PENNSYLVANIA — Mall security and local township police were called when reports of former CBS Evening News anchor flipping the bird to a bunch of Korean children while riding atop a fucking Galapagos tortoise appeared on local radio channels Saturday evening.
A haunting prospect from your past has been confirmed: while initially dismissed as rumor and hearsay, it appears that Peter Donnelly, the boy who sat behind you in your eighth grade Spanish class, has been engaging in a sexual relationship with your mother for the past twenty-three years. “At first we thought Peter was...
Following the lead of major companies such as Netflix, AT&T and Apple, another industry is changing its pricing scheme. A statement released by The Association of Distributors of Damn Good Things this past Tuesday advised that, due to these trying economic times, a new marketing strategy is being implemented affecting the price of the...
Imagine this: You’re at your town’s latest iteration of an “Occupy” protest. You’re challenging the corporate climate’s stronghold on elected representation. The police warn you to move, but you decide to hold your ground and exercise your right to protest. And the next thing you feel is — salsa verde? This might not be...
With the NBA lockout impeding any chance for a professional basketball season in the coming months, fans are looking to ESPN to fulfill their desires to keep up with their favorite players. And knowing that they had a success in last year’s “Where will he play?” special featuring superstar Lebron James, ESPN has decided...
What will life be like in fifty years? Will cars fly? Will we have solved the problems of overpopulation and global warming? Will we be in contact with species from other planets? When Antonio Ridberg, a time traveler, held a press conference at the University of Oklahoma this past Wednesday, he gave the world...
Disaster struck again for users of Research-in-Motion’s Blackberry smartphones as their network was plagued recently with another lengthy outage — this time attributed to a self-referencing web search. “We’re kind of embarrassed about this,” admitted Blackberry Service Continuity Manager Yancy Abel. “You’d think we would be better prepared for such a thing. That we would plan...
As far back as he can remember, MacKenzie Goldman-Lee was fascinated by the prospects of parallel universes and the possibility of jumping between them.
The mental health community, like so many others, has recently been constrained by a budget crisis of hysterical proportions. Funding is required for further research and education, but during the current recession there simply aren’t enough resources out there to meet financial demands. Or, at least, until now. The American Psychological Association has announced...
A new alert has been released by the Center for Disease Control regarding a stronger strain of an infection which appears to be spreading at a more rapid pace than earlier expected.
