An area man is upset with his new iPhone, claiming the electronic device’s word substitution choices are not nearly inappropriate enough. “The performance is really disappointing. This thing hasn’t replaced a single word in one of my texts with anything that’s crude or even mildly suggestive,” said Kellen Chandler, 26, owner of the phone. “I...
Martin Blaylock of Palmdale, CA is suing Apple for damages in what he claims is a case of software subterfuge. An early adopter, Blaylock bought the iPhone 4s immediately after it released, but claims that the Siri application on the phone has caused irreparable damage between him and his would-be fiancee and possibly ruined...
It started with a glass of rotten milk. “I took one sip, gagged, and chastised myself for not checking the expiration date”, said world-renowned gerontologist Dr. Sally Field, who is no relation to the world-renowned actress. “And that’s when it hit me. So many different products in the world, from milk to batteries to...
Hagerstown, MD– Rachel Perry is suing former best friend Angela Dice for tagging what she calls “hella ugly” photos of Perry on Dice’s Facebook profile. “She was at the party, shoving that beer bong and all that onion dip in her face,” Dice said. “She knows I roll with cameras like she does, because...
Anthropologists unearthed new evidence this week that finally sheds light on one of life’s great mysteries: where did the People of Wal-Mart shop before Wal-Mart existed? A recent study by graduate students at the University of Iowa provided some surprising answers. ”As we began our research, we held to three hypotheses,” explained lead graduate...
One moment, he was browsing his Facebook page – shooting the breeze with a pithy update, LOLing at jokes, adding a “Cute baby!” comment to a picture of his sister’s neighbor’s new kid. The next moment, there was a knock at the door and someone Justin Margolis, 35, vaguely recognized from a profile photo...
Stockholm, Sweden – Triumph turned to tragedy during December’s Nobel Prize Award Ceremony when the claim to the discovery of dark energy was challenged in a bloody epic battle. The 2011 Nobel Prize in physics was awarded to Saul Perlmutter, Brian Schmidt and Adam Riess , three scientists who together discovered that the universe is...
Palo Alto, CA—Astrophysicists are investigating unusual activity in Silicon Valley Wednesday after hundreds of new employees showed up at Facebook headquarters, ready to start work at 5 PM. “Some of us were killing time, discussing marketing strategy before heading home for the day,” remarked Bill Whitlow, an advertising representative for the social media giant....
An amazing new smartphone app slated for release next week will revolutionize communication between the sexes. Paired with a Bluetooth headset, the Cyrano app acts as a universal translator, instantly providing men with words women want to hear. “I was a failure at relationships,” says app developer Blaize Brazen. ”I value honesty but I never...
