Collinstown, Tennessee — Jennifer Hansen sits on her porch reflecting on the maelstrom that has gripped Samuel Smalley Elementary School in Collinstown in a dramatic and unexpected way. “I got the idea from ‘Pay It Forward’ ” said Hansen, known simply as Mrs. Hansen to her students, “Every year, I ask my students to...
It was an American tragedy. One that started on a sunny afternoon in an Illinois suburb, when Joe Caston, 34, offered a cold Budweiser to his childhood friend Arnold Mozilo and put on some classic soft rock. At that moment, Caston couldn’t have known that “Keep On Loving You” would be the last thing...
An area man is upset with his new iPhone, claiming the electronic device’s word substitution choices are not nearly inappropriate enough. “The performance is really disappointing. This thing hasn’t replaced a single word in one of my texts with anything that’s crude or even mildly suggestive,” said Kellen Chandler, 26, owner of the phone. “I...
One of ABC’s hottest commodities, “The Bachelorette,” a reality show full of drama and roses, typically runs two seasons a year along with its counterpart, “The Bachelor.” Recently, ABC made the exciting announcement that Nadya Suleman – aka “Octomom” – will be “The Bachelorette” for the upcoming season. Suleman, who just celebrated her 36th...
As many as two-thirds of women are known to fake orgasms, but a surprising new study indicates that as much as 26% of men fake orgasms, as well. The study by the Orgasms for Male Good Commission (O.M.G.) was carried out over the course of three years, and now shows that women aren’t the...
Iona, ID–Negotiations in the lunch trade between Clearview Elementary second graders Timmy Penderson and Bobby Franks have reached an impasse, with neither side showing any sign of weakening. The talks, which have already stretched into an exhausting fifth minute and threatened to divide the students in this small cafeteria/gymanasium, have become increasingly heated as an 11:33...
WASHINGTON – A nation grieved for its lost hopes today when it learned that the Supercommittee, the last and best chance for the United States to reach an agreement on debt reduction, in fact possessed no superpowers of any kind. And no one was more disappointed than the committee members themselves.
According to recent studies, a majority of men in the United States catch themselves noddin’ their heads like “Yeah!” and moving their hips like “Yeah!” on a daily basis, an epidemic that has prompted the formation of thousands of support groups nationwide. Experts say that men suffering from female lyricophobia — also known as...
Not surprisingly, Denver Bronco Tim Tebow was the runaway choice in Insert Eyeroll Sports’ mid-season NFL player poll when respondents were asked to name the “Most Overrated Quarterback Likely to Circumcise a Third-World Child During Halftime.” Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning each received 0% of the vote, as did every other quarterback...
WASHINGTON, DC – In a long-awaited yet controversial move, DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart announced this week that PSD (Powered Sugar Donuts) will be designated a Schedule I Controlled Substance effective January 1, 2012. “Schedule I drugs are highly-addictive, easily-abused, and serve no scientifically-verified medical purpose,” said Leonhart, speaking at a press briefing near a vending...
